Archive for: love
Much damage can be done in a relationship where one party is being manipulated by the other. Here are some things we need to keep in mind so we don’t come across as manipulative as we build relationships.
- The concept of relationship is fragile these days when someone can de-friend you with a “delete” key. There’s a spectrum of relationship that can be very short, e.g. we work together on a committee at work or school. Or long: someone with whom you actually have a face-to-face, mutually interesting, ongoing exchange of meaningful experiences, events, personal values and feelings, information, and support for each other’s lives. And there are many types of relationships in between. Real, honest relationships are wonderful and rare.
- Boundaries should be set in any relationship. If you have a spiritual life and feel comfortable sharing it, then you share it if the other person is interested in the conversation. Here is a similar boundary: “I don’t talk politics. Ever.” Once this is said, if a person cares about you more than his or her enthusiastic political discussions, the boundary is accepted by both people. Conversational boundaries can be set and permission can be asked before bringing up topics that could be uncomfortable for either party.
- If you value your relationships and you have spiritual values you want to discuss, the chances are good you will want to tell the other person and hear about theirs as well. Ask your friend something like this, “Do you have a particular worldview or belief system that is sort of the basis for how you live?” If they say they do, ask them what it is. And, maybe your friend will tell you. You may then feel free to share your beliefs. If your friend wants to follow up with comments or questions, then you will have a very precious thing going, that hardly ever happens in this day of the delete key – a real dialogue between friends!
May we be so full of joy, so excited by what service we can render to mankind that gives glory to God, and so committed to wholesome life that we are the best friend anyone ever had. And may we share the gospel with them if they are willing.
We’re a Christian ministry focused on helping people learn to share the gospel. We occasionally hear the accusation of “bait and switch” tactics used to share the gospel.
Here’s what I think Bait & Switch means: Bait and Switch is a practice in which one party promises one thing (new car for 80 bucks) but, when the gullible party arrives, there is only a clunker that missed the government program. Sometimes such tactics are used by people in relationships, too, when someone wants to manipulate another party by acting as if they want to be a friend, but, secretly they plan to take advantage of the party in some way.
An example might be: She acts as if she wants to be your friend and goes to the dance (Bait), but what she really wants is to arrive in that hot car you’ve got! Switch: When you show up to pick her up and your mom is driving the family Honda, she has a sudden headache and offers the movies next week instead! No hot car, no date. There was a time in high school that some of us might have been tempted to do that…but we’ve didn’t do it then because we would have (a) felt bad, or (b) didn’t want to miss the dance!?
The Gospel example we’ve heard: A Christian acts as if he wants to be your friend, but he just wants to share the gospel with you even if you don’t want to hear it, and if you refuse to listen, the person doesn’t want to be your friend any more. Bait = Relationship. Switch = The Gospel. Personally, I’ve never actually seen this behavior in action, but I’m accepting that it sometimes happens. It is very sad, and such inconsiderate behavior demonstrates a lack of understanding of both relationships and how to share the gospel.
When making relationships with unbelievers, what things should we keep in mind so that we don’t bait and switch?
Those are the first four words of a show tune from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, Carousel, written before many of our readers were born. Many have seen Carousel, though, either in a stage production or the movie. Maybe you performed in the stage play in high school. The song goes on to say,
“If I loved you, time and again I would try to say all I want you to know. If I loved you, words wouldn’t come in an easy way…’round in circles I’d go. Longing to tell you, but afraid and shy, I’d let my golden chances pass me by.”
Many people who love their family, co-worker, or friend feel this way when trying to talk about their faith in Christ and the promises of the gospel on which they build their worldview, their hope, and their life. They know that nowadays, any mention of Jesus may be considered a conversational imposition.
But faith in Christ as Savior makes possible a relationship with God, given as a free gift of God. This relationship has very positive effects that people want to share so that their friends and family can enjoy those same positive things. Many great men and women throughout history have considered it a privilege to live and die for the truth and love of Christ, knowing that reliance on the promises of God is not only rational but revolutionary.
Consider the dilemma of the lover of God. Just as you want to tell your friend about the woman or man you have met that is likely to be…might be…surely is the love of your life, they want to tell you about the One who has actually, forever radically changed their life for the better. They love you and want you to have the same joy they have. If they are clumsy it does not mean they are insincere or wrong.
Think about it. Building any sincere relationship involves two people or more who are trying to reveal themselves to each other without getting hurt too badly. Is it “bait and switch” to talk first with someone with “small talk” and move to the more important? No, it’s typical. There is risk in every relationship. It is the norm to start revealing the less risky things and move to the most important. Listen to the song. Life and friends and family are like that…afraid and shy. Let the relationship reveal the most important. It’s worth it.
Fear in evangelism often results in being too self-focused. Notice that I used the word self-focused, not selfish. Most people I’ve observed who want to talk to acquaintances about Christ are not selfish people. The very fact that they are concerned about somebody else’s eternal welfare and not just their own says so. Selfish people are content to go to heaven alone. Selfless people are not.
Self-focus is different. It results from worrying too much about what others might think of you if you share the Gospel with them. Questions such as, “Will they still be my friend?” “Will they think less of me?” “Will I lose respect?” hinder evangelism. Nobody in their right mind would enjoy any of these negative responses. Who wants to lose a friend, be thought less of, or lose respect? At the same time, “I” is at the center of all of these worries. Focusing on yourself becomes distracting at its least, defeating at its worst.
There are two words consistently used in Scripture that help refocus our attention. The first word is love. Biblically defined, it means to put the other person first, even if it means the sacrifice of ourselves. John 3:16 explains, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” The proof of God’s love is that He put us first even though it meant the sacrifice of His own Son. The second is the word compassion. It means to be filled with pity. Matthew 9:36 tells us, “But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd.” Jesus Christ pitied non-Christians.
Both of these words switch the focus to how Christ feels about the lost, not how they feel about us. Furthermore, if Jesus Christ was willing to sacrifice His life for us, we ought to be willing to sacrifice friendship, pride, or respect. In fact, it is only a matter of time before Chirstlike love and compassion overcome fear. Possible rejection takes a back seat to the real issue of salvation. Knowing that we have a message that will save them from eternal separation from God and give them life that has meaning, purpose, and fulfillment becomes the focus.
To be consistently bold in evangelism, we must focus on what God thinks of them, not what they think of us.
It’s been said there are two great hindrances to evangelism – a cold heart and cold feet. The problem is that we see one as the symptom of the other. We assume cold feet are proof of a cold heart.
The apostle Paul’s entire ministry has driven by love. He testifies, “For the love of Christ compels us” (II Cor. 5:14). Knowing the abundant love of Christ, Paul felt compelled to make a priority in his life what is a priority with God – the people for whom He died. Paul’s heart was obviously attuned with the Savior’s. So deeply concerned what he for the salvation of his own people that he testified, “My heart’s desire and prayer to God for Israel is that they may be saved” (Rom. 10:1). He even stated one chapter earlier that he could with himself separated from God if it would secure the salvation of his people. He explains, “For I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh” (Rom. 9:3). Paul was so captivated by the love of Christ that His love radiated through him to others.
Nevertheless, that never prevented him from having moments of fear. He still sensed the need to pray for boldness. He requested prayer “that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel” (Eph. 6:19).
Nowhere does Scripture state of even imply that the presence of fear means the absence of love. The presence of fear, however, often says more about how much we are moved by His love than how much we aren’t. Torn by fear, yet knowing the person must meet the Savior, we do what we can to make the Gospel clear. Fear is an excellent reason to fall to our knees in prayer – not a reason to jump into a pool of guilt.
